When I was younger, I wasn't very good at dealing with rejection. I hated being forced to reveal such a readable expression of hurt on my face but that was me, so easy to read.
A best friend in high school once dumped me in the most unceremonious ways in public - she was extremely nice to another girl, gave up my seat next to her in English class for the girl, and snubbed me for an entire year. I was stupid enough to still want to be her best friend by stubbornly sitting beside her and pretending that all was well, even if she wasn't speaking to me.
Everyone felt sorry for me.
After a while, I gave up and sat with other friends instead. I disliked my replacement that I snubbed her in return, probably because I felt that it was her whom had stolen my best friend away from me.
(When I grew up, I realised it wasn't her fault.
I also realised that it's always better to be with friends who want your friendship than yearn those who don't want mine at all.)
My face has always been very transparent, and it's usually very easy to read the turmoil of emotions going through my head.
It was quite awkward for me the other day when a new girl joined the badminton session. Everyone was so gleeful about having found my replacement, they kept harping on it and were extremely excited with the prospect of playing with her.
I wanted to storm off like an errant child. I couldn't remain cool. I was angry and hurt, and behaved badly, but no one knew why.
(I think they did, but more towards me being jealous, not hurt.)
I wished I could tell them how it was affecting me then and there, but how could I, when the new girl was there?
As the countdown to my departure begins, I am starting to feel the same replacement-rejection feeling all over again. Granted that I am the one who's leaving and forcing everyone to find someone to take my place. Granted that life goes on and activities continue without me.
I guess what I really want is to know that I was once important. Like how I valued your friendship, too. Sure we may not have been best buds or the closest of friends but geez, we were friends, right?
(Why do you think I'd rather not have farewell themed events at this moment because I don't want to be made important when I know I will no longer be important?)
Even if it's weeks before I pack up and leave, I am sorely tempted to troubleshoot the inevitable now, to prepare myself from going through the same notions again.
I want to be the one who dumps you, not the other way round. I want to leave the group now, not knowing what your future activities and laughter is all about. Let me be left out now, instead of later.
I know I sound childish but I can't help it. Slowly, I am being cut out or off from certain things and connections that arghhh, it's like a repeated stab in the heart with a blunt pencil.
Let's break up now.
P.s. Please don't tell me how it's a closing of a chapter and a beginning of another. I know that. But it still sucks, right?
I've always hated new chapters in life, the thought of the unknown misty future always scared me to death. I wanted to die before I left home for college because I was scared of being a failure but I think my mum's prayers were stronger than mine because I lived and was indeed a failure, too. Hah!
P.p.s. We're talking about rejection here! I think it's karma. I was quite mean to my friends before back in primary school (gawd, I was mean), breaking off the friendships and moving on with new friends, ignoring them. Sniff.
P.p.p.s. OK, it's not karma. I'm just emotional and easily attached to people. And things.